Where Am I?
Every so often a person has to stop, look around, and ask “Where am I?”
I’ve been doing that a lot recently. I find myself wondering if I’m doing what I want to be doing and if not, what should I do about it. I just can’t help but to think that I was meant to do something creative. I was supposed to be an actor, or filmmaker. maybe a graphic artist. What ever it is, it’s not a business man. I was never meant to wake up in the morning, put on my dress shirt and slacks, make myself a coffee, grab my briefcase, and head off into the morning processional of drones travelling towards an existence of dissatisfaction.
I’m supposed to get up in the morning, throw on a t-shirt and shorts, look at myself in the mirror and laugh at the general disarray of hair as it juts in every direction away from the scalp. After that…who knows? I create something! I sit at my computer, fire up whatever graphics software I need to do whatever type of design I’m working on, and illustrate a vision that, to this point, has only been viewable on the inside of my eyelids. Perhaps something different. Maybe I’m supposed to plop down on my over-sized couch and pick up the latest script from whatever movie I’m involved in. I memorize my scene for the day before I deliver the most stunning performance of my life.
I catch myself wondering how I ended up where I did – dissatisfied and at a loss what to do about it. I often sit at my desk in my office on the top floor of a building known as the Mansion House (redundant, I know), blinking at the quarterly budget variance analysis and telling myself, “This is not where I’m supposed to be. This is not what I’m supposed to be doing!”
The shame about the whole thing is that the existance that I’ve inadvertantly chosen for myself or somehow allowed people to choose for me, has sapped my motivation to change things. I feel weary. I feel beaten. I let my frustrations put me into this hole that I can’t climb out of. So here I sit, not doing anything about it. Not knowing how. Not knowing where.
Illyria said:
Oh Grimmy.
I know how stifling that feels, I really do. Change can be a great thing– just do it SMARTLY in this economy. Take a graphic design class at a tech college nearby– see if you like it? See about getting involved in your local theater productions,
It does not always have to be giant leaps from the outset– those can come later when you figure out what it is that you love and how to make money doing that.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:22 am
beatrice828 said:
*hugs grimmy*
It’s like you pulled the last paragraph right out of my heart. I often keep thinking I can write. And that I’m good at it. I just need to *make* myself sit down and do it. But, I sorta quit doing every day when I was teaching. I couldn’t keep up with the work involved to do both well. So, I picked one. Then, two years later, was too rusty to do anything I was satisfied with. So, I quit trying.
For what it’s worth, the blog I’ve been keeping here is the first bits of writing that I’ve done where I’ve *thought* about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. And tried to craft…..something…..
And, it’s the first time I’ve done anything like that since 2001. My legs and my skills are weak. They are unpracticed. But know that it’s because of both the comunity that you helped to create *and* this bit of wonderful that is hedville that has inspired me to try.
Also, my general interactions with you, limited though they be, have completely convinced that you are one of the most kind, patient, and generous human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I find myself wanting to be a beter person because you call me a friend.
So. Thanks grimmy. Truely – you may have to put on that stupid monkey suit and do a job you hate because you *need* to buy silly things like food and a place out of the weather, but never for a second think that you are not creative. Not an artist. Look around, look at the magice *you* have created.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:26 am
diggler said:
I think you have summed up how MANY of us feel. Just like you, I’ve thought to myself many, many times, “This *IS NOT* the way my life is supposed to have gone.” We all struggle with that inner-artist, at times, but you’ve actually let him out more than most ever do. The main thing is you keep finding those outlets HOWEVER and WHEREVER you can! Managing a theatre wasn’t really a creative excursion, but we had glass display cases that I kind of “made my own” by decorating them differently from month to month. Yeah, basically I was like a type of “window dresser” but it let me tap into that part of me and always made me smile whenever I walked by one. You should pride in yourself and take pleasure every time you enter here or the forums and know this is YOUR creation…a community that YOU have assembled from the smallest bits and pieces.
November 10th, 2009 at 3:50 pm